I’m 24 years old. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years. And yes, I meant boyfriend. Not husband, not fiance. Boyfriend.

Universal question: Why aren’t you married yet?!?!

Answer: Because we aren’t there yet.

I’m going to explain because someone once told me that my story is worth being told. He actually told me I should write a book on it, but I don’t think I could talk about myself for that many pages. I’m better at fiction and the stories of others, but here it goes.

Since I was in high school, I’ve watched friends and acquaintances get married, have children, get divorced, and generally have multiple relationships with totally random outcomes per person. I don’t want that, and neither does he.

We have been together since middle school. Granted, we broke up and got back together a few times, but in a way I feel like we are a little bit of a real life Cory and Topanga. For those who know what I’m talking about, there’s an episode where they nearly break up and there’s all kinds of unrealistic talk with parents and Feeny about why they feel the need to break up even though they love each other. The answer to that was “because you’re in high school”.

The human brain doesn’t fully develop until the age of 25. And yet, everyone is expected to know exactly what they want out of life by the time they turn 18. Now, I’m absolutely not saying that parents should support their kids til 25, but maybe there should be more exploratory options at the college level, or more careers that allowed people without degrees to work in the thick of it without needing the responsibility of being the head honcho, like an aide or an office assistant.

So, on Valentine’s Day just before I turned 18 when my boyfriend took me out to dinner and out of the blue opened a ring box, I panicked. Absolutely panicked. Part of me was elated at this offering of commitment, but another part of me knew that neither of us were settled in life and we shouldn’t have to be tied to any person or place until we had taken care of ourselves. That’s when he told me: it’s a promise ring. He told me what it was and since then we have been happy to be with each other, grow in our love for one another, and work through a lot of problems that, frankly, end many premature marriages.

While we were both in college, I made the decision, and he agreed, that I didn’t want to get married unless we were both able to support ourselves. Not only did I not want to support or be supported right off the bat in married life, but I also wanted the security in knowing that if one of us died, the other would be able to go on. I feel very strongly about this because I once knew a young woman who, on her one month anniversary called to check in with her mother on her way home to celebrate with her knew husband. The phone cut out, mom thought her phone went dead. 20 minutes later she was watching the news as they were featuring a deadly car crash in which they were not releasing names. However, the mother knew the shoe lying on the side of the road and had the unbearable task of calling her now deceased daughter’s husband to explain to him why she was late for their anniversary dinner. Sounds made up, right? It’s not, and I’ll be damned if fate puts either of us in a situation like that without some level of security.

We went through college together, but he hadn’t decided exactly what he wanted. While it was a point of frustration for me, I also knew that I’d rather marry a man who had fully grown up and was happy with his job rather than marry a man who had settled on something he just happened to do well. So, I graduated right on time. He’s planning to graduate this year and we’re both ecstatic. Most of you at this point are probably thinking that I know exactly when that magical question will be popped. You’d be wrong. Another one of my conditions is that I didn’t want to have even the slightest clue of when or where. I did tell him, however, that the day he proposes is the day I start planning, so he should keep that in mind. Studies show that couples who remain engaged longer than 18 months have a huge probability to never get married. I break-up isn’t inevitable, but marriage may never happen.

Lastly, and I feel that this is one of the most important things: relationships have to grow and grow and grow. Problems will always happen no matter how happy you are, but the ability to work through them is something you need to be confident you have before saying your vows. Marriage license or not, we have our disagreements. Everyone does. But I now have the assurance that whatever may come, we will be able to work through it. Too many people get married and end up having a disagreement, and then find themselves unable to work through it. Bam, divorce.

His mother talked me through a lot of rough times as I grew. One thing we once talked about was why we broke up and got back together so much in school. The answer was so simple, but I would never have seen it on my own. We were both growing, but at different times and rates. The beauty of it for us was that we never did anything that truly killed the relationship. Once again, we were able to work through things.

So now we’re living together; a transition that was surprisingly blissful and easy for the both of us. He’s about to graduate, and I’m working happily in a job that is a massive improvement from the one I left behind. A family is a definite possibility…really a hope, but we’re no longer in a rush to get there.

 

I wish more young people had the chance to experience this in their lives and to have the wisdom and support in their lives that we had as we grew. My family was always there, but his family taught me how to grow when I was young.