One of Our Biggest Problems

There is an issue among schools today that is often overlooked and ignored. There are many many things I could talk about. This is one I never see happening. And it’s one of the most simple things around. Apologizing.

Simply put; kids don’t apologize. For anything. Ever. Their parents never make them apologize. Administrators in schools never make them apologize. They are never made to face and acknowledge those whom they have wronged. The result of this is much like the result of living on social media. There is a sense of entitlement and invincibility that develops. It gets to the point where kids don’t just believe, but know that they can do whatever they want without any meaningful consequences.

I recently read an article about the abuse teachers must endure if they want to keep their job. Physical. Verbal. Emotional. It’s a daily thing. This has happened to me constantly in teaching. Death threats abound. Countless cuts and bruises. Permanent disabilities (yes, plural). And do want to know who is never held responsible?¿ The kids who cause all this damage.

I remember one day a couple years ago. I was working in a horrible school. Honestly, it was horrible. Fights were so common they no longer had consequences. You’d get sent home for the rest of that day if you drew blood. Unless the parents refused to come. Which happened almost every time. Well a friend of mine taught in a particularly nasty 4th grade room. Several kids had known feuds between families but they never adjusted the classes. I was in my room with the door closed, trying to enjoy my first plan time in weeks, when I heard the screaming. I had a radio on me but hadn’t heard any calls go out, so I peaked in the hall to see what was happening just in time to see my friend stumble out her own door (which a child had just thrown her through) and another kid in the hall shove past her and back into the room to go after some other kid. I started to run down the hall while calling for help on the radio. My friend was visibly exhausted. Whatever this was had been happening inside her room for a while. She said she’s been calling the office for 10 minutes but no one would come. So I called again saying we needed help NOW. The reply? Everyone is busy. Do what you can. I stepped in to try to keep the fighting kids apart. In the process I got shoved into the door and my arm was slammed and scraped across the door jamb. At that point I screamed into the radio that if they didn’t want me to throw all my training out the window and handle this in my own way that they would get someone there immediately. One person slowly made their way down the hall, clearly annoyed. By the time they got there the two of us had gotten the fighting kids apart and things had started to calm down. So I got scolded for “being rude on the radio” because “they had things to deal with” and I was “out of line” to make such a big fuss about something so small.

My friend collapsed to the floor. I stayed with her until the end of the day. No one ever talked to us about what happened and those kids were back in there the next day.

So what emergency had kept our administrators and counselors from helping us? A military parent had returned from duty and surprised her daughter on the other side of the building and all the people who were supposed to be helping us didn’t want to miss their chance to be on the news. Yep. Apathy is not restricted to the kids.

This is far from my worst encounter. So why bring it up? Because it was closest I’ve ever come in my entire career to getting an apology. But it didn’t happen that day. Or for several after. About a week later the kid who had slammed my arm was mouthing off to his teacher as I was walking by. I stepped in and gave him a piece of my mind. I didn’t yell or do anything inappropriate, but I told him no uncertain terms that for him to take out his anger on other people was not ok. I then showed him my arm. At this point I was sporting a nice 6 inch long deep purple bruise. I told him that this is what he does when he gets mad. He had no idea he had done it to me. He was shocked, but said nothing. I told him he had done that to his teacher as well but I was willing to bet he would never take responsibility for his actions. I then made him apologize for mouthing off in that moment and told my friend to not hesitate to call me if he needed to come to my room for a while. (Students were often sent to me because they would return to their class ready to apologize).

Two weeks later the whole school had a “positive post it” event in which teachers and students would write kind things and put it on doors or give it to someone. On my door appeared kind words and notes of me being a favorite teacher. Then there was one that simply said “sorry I bruised your arm. It was the only unsigned note, but the writer was obvious. I later found out his teacher told him to write it. But still, he never had to face me.

This is our problem. We’re so worried about making kids feel ashamed that we just let it all go. Or worse, we dish out unrelated consequences that the kids sometimes enjoy. Sleep all day in ISS for yelling at someone or flipping off a teacher? I’ll do that ALL THE TIME!

Apologizing is a lost art. Seriously. Looking someone one the eye and bringing yourself to their level while admitting that you did something you knew you shouldn’t have is a hard thing to do. It can be mortifying. But to avoid a kid growing up believing they are above everyone and everything is to make them stand in those situations and acknowledge that they are not. And it has to start young and it has to be handled consistently and with high expectations. And they have to deal with the fact that not all apologies will be accepted. Some people will remain mad at them for however long they decide to be mad. In some cases they won’t be able to repair the relationship. That’s part of life and if they don’t start learning it young, they will never learn.

When I was teaching third grade, I made a poster and hung it on my wall. It was a starting point on learning to apologize, and I made my students follow it every time something went wrong. “Im sorry for_____ It was wrong because________ Next time I will________” And I was strict with this structure too. They were not allowed to scoff or roll their eyes or they would start over. They weren’t allowed to say “because it was wrong”. They had to think harder than that. They weren’t allowed to say “next time I will not (insert shown behavior)”. They had to think of at least one appropriate way to handle the situation. Later in the year I required them to ask if the person accepted their apology and they were required to accept whatever answer they got with grace. If at any time in the entire process they showed attitude they were start from the beginning because I refused to let them continue their disrespectful behavior. Longest apology I ever had lasted a full hour. The rest of my students did their independent work during that time (I always had a lot of that prepared just in case), but even if they just sat there and watched what I was doing they were learning what I saw as a very valuable lesson.

My own three year old has to apologize for things big and small. This boy will go to school knowing that we admit our wrongs and we own up to them.

Maybe if all kids were raised with that ideal again our teachers would stop getting abused. Maybe kids would start to see the value in their own education. Maybe they would take responsibility in other areas of life (chores, schoolwork, grades?). And this new age crap of publicly shaming your kid online for something? It’s bullshit. It makes you look like a bad parent. Saw one the other day where a mom recorded her son dancing and crying because he had danced on a table at school. The whole time she was berating him and making fun of him. That won’t change his behavior. It’ll just make him more sneaky. She should have made him write out an apology letter and read it to every single person he had disrupted that day. He should have been made to go to the principal with a sincere apology and ask for forgiveness. Instead, there’s now a video of him online forever to shame him. For dancing. How ridiculous.

It’s ok for a kid to feel bad about their actions. It’s not ok for them to never have to look at themselves in a critical manner. It’s not ok for them to be shamed without ever actually making amends. Can we please end this era of no consequences? And can administrators stop making empty promises about it? Like the principal who told me I would get to sit down with the kid who told me he hoped my unborn baby would die and tried to get a bunch of kids to jump me. Or the asst. principal who told me I was “being ridiculous” for locking out a student who threatened to stab two of my students and rape me. Both of these were recorded and no consequences followed.

Suspending a kid is easy. Making them face themselves is important.

Why Teachers Shouldn’t Intervene

Would you let your child harm another child and have no consequences? What about their teacher? What about a teacher trying to prevent them from hurting another student? What would you do if you found out your child did this to an adult?

What you are looking at are images of my arms. The first is about two and a half inches long. The second bruise is only partially shown. It extends a full six inches up my arm. I can’t show it all because of an identifying mark on my arm beyond the scope of what you see. So what happened? I intervened. God help me, I stepped in when I saw a violent situation in my school which was threatening to become even more violent. I held a door to keep a student from attacking another student even more than he already had while a third student rushed the second to the nurse – head in his hands.

It all happened in a matter of seconds. I’m bringing my class down the hall. I see two students run out of their room and the door slams behind them. I hear something slam into the classroom door. Shouting. Then I see the teacher pressed up against the window in the door. I stepped over just as a student popped the door open while screaming at his teacher to let him through and she is trying to hold them back. I asked “do you need help?” She barely got out the word “yes” as I noticed her whole body trembling and on the verge of collapse.

I took the door and told her to step back. My skid proof shoes were not helping me. I was sliding and it took all my strength to keep this kid from busting out. I asked if the office had been called. Four times. No one in sight. I told my class to find someone. Thank heavens my students are great at keeping their heads about them in these situations. Unfortunately they’ve had a lot of practice and we’ve discussed how to handle it in several class meetings. We’ve never had a situation like that in our room, but they sadly see them more than any student should. And because our office is so overwhelmed and overstretched by the slough of calls they get every day, I am often the one to step in.

I have told my kids the same thing every year I’ve been in this district. If you are stupid enough to get into a fight (because yes, punching someone over being called a name is stupid), then I will not be putting myself in harm’s way for you. And in the event that you are blind-sided, I will know that something led up to it and I will only do what does not get me harmed. The only time I will fully step in is when a teacher is in an unsafe situation or I believe that severe and unwarranted bodily harm is about to be dished out.

Of course my kids want to ask me all kinds of “what ifs” for this. I simply tell them that they need to assume I will not go to bat for them. I have already suffered two permanent injuries from stepping in, and I am tired of pushing my limits for kids who basically don’t care and parents who enable the behavior to begin with. And yes, I know that is not always the case, but in my school it is always the same kids getting into fights and the consequences are minimal if anything.

I have told my co-worker to give her students the same speech and just let them metaphorically kill each other. I’d try to guide the kids into the halls where the cameras will catch every little bit of it, but she has lost too much weight from the anxiety of having these kids in her room and no teacher should be forced to compromise her health for the job.

This is why it absolutely kills me every time I see a story on the news or being circulated on social media of a school fight in which the teacher is standing back, and sometimes recording, the situation. And every Dork, Ignorance, and Turd is flinging their hate at the teacher for not jumping into the fray.

To start, parents have an obligation to teacher their children about dealing with conflict in a healthy and non-violent way. It starts in infancy and continues throughout their life. The mentality of hitting back being ok is utterly ridiculous to me. That’s how the majority of this crap gets started. And just because you TELL your kid to never start it doesn’t mean they’re gonna listen to you. All you’ve done is give them an out and an excuse for their violence. The scapegoat is that the other kid MAY HAVE touched them first. But since both kids are saying that, how can we possible know for sure? Kids can not navigate the gray in life and when someone playfully punches their arm, not realizing they are in a bad mood or just not up for a joke, it goes south. Fast.

I’ve heard it a million times. “My mamma told me I can hit back!” “I didn’t really hit him!” “You did too!” “Dude, I was playing. I was telling a joke!”

That’s another lesson my kids learn early. Play turns real too easily. Don’t start the play and you won’t end up in a fight. If you can’t teach your kid a few non-violent solutions to their problems and they aren’t comfortable coming to you to help with them, you need to re-think what you’re doing.

Second, a huge reason teachers don’t step in is because most, if not all, schools have a team of staff members who are “properly” trained on how to handle physical problems. And if someone who is not trained steps in, they could potentially face losing their job. So maybe they want to help, but they also know that they NEED to be there tomorrow to help the students process what happened. Some children are not equipped to process that without a little guidance. And others may fear their teacher from that day forward if they see her pulling two crazy kids away from each other or, heaven forbid, restraining someone.

Now let’s talk about the recording. What are you worried about? That the truth will be preserved? That the school will be able to see exactly what happened?? Everyone always jumps to privacy. Newsflash: every teacher who records that is doing it strictly for the sake of documentation, and sometimes for their own protection. They turn it over to administration, verify that it was received, then delete it from their device. We aren’t stupid.

But do you know what IS stupid? Thinking that two kids who got into a brawl are going to be honest about what happened or even be capable of remembering everything said and done in a fight. And you would be shocked at just how often kids will lie and claim that a teacher somehow caused damage when they weren’t in it at all. For whatever reason, schools have stopped trusting the people they hire and instead listen to the emotionally unstable minor with everything to lose.

So let’s return to the pictures above. I already told you what went down. Want to know the aftermath? Not much. I filled out an incident report with a sub nurse who didn’t even look at me, then I went back to my class. The boys who were fighting? They were put in buddy rooms for the rest of the day. That’s it. Now, ask me if I got an apology. I’m sure by now you know the answer is no. That kid was strutting down the hall the next day, looking at me as if he owned me. And I’m not allowed to talk to him about what happened or what he did because I’m supposed to trust that the office/administration staff “took appropriate action” and nothing else needs to be done.

Let me tell you: if I ever found out that my kid did this to any teacher, they would be marching their rotten little butt into that classroom and delivering one hell of an apology as well as performing some kind of service for that teacher for a while. Cleaning tables, picking up garbage, erasing white boards. Hell, I’ll come up with something to help that teacher out. And my kid will have no privileges at home for a while either! They will fully understand the weight of their actions. Until all evidence of bruising is gone, they will do that teacher’s bidding courteously and with a smile! And you better believe I would make sure the teacher knew that they do not have to go easy on my child with these tasks because they sure as hell didn’t go easy when giving those bruises!

And if I were the administrator of a building where one of my staff got hurt, I’d be checking in with them daily to make sure they’re alright. Oh wait, I did do that in retail management. It was really easy too! “Hey, how are you doing today?” “How’s the arm feeling?” “Let me know if you need anything, ok¿” See? Easy.

Legally, I could press charges against this kid’s parents for what was done to me. You bet your boots I can! Since no one ever actually made this kid face what was done to me, it’s incredibly tempting. But alas, I also have consequences to think about. And for me, making sure that someone is held accountable for my injuries also means that I would probably not be invited back next year. I would be viewed as vindictive and/or a loose cannon.

So stop attacking teachers for taking care of themselves and their livelihood. Stop assuming that a teacher stepping in suddenly causes everyone involved to magically diffuse and walk away. It doesn’t happen that way. Start talking to your kids daily about what happens around them and to them and how to handle it in a non-violent way. Be supportive of their teachers. They are doing everything they can to teach not just your child, but many others at the same time. And I’m willing to bet that some of the subject matter they’re pouring into their minds is not always something you fully grasp yourself.

What’s Wrong With Schools Today

There is a widespread problem with our school system today that I fear has no end in sight. There are two pieces to it that, if continued, will breed the most entitled, selfish, and cruel generation we have ever seen. The pieces? Permissiveness and overuse of positive reinforcement.

I believe being permissive with poor behavior is straight up poisonous. And I’ve seen this poison leach its way into my life time and again. I currently find myself in a district that has…shall we say…less than model citizens in it? Prior to this school year, the rumor is that the principal of the building gave the students free reign over everything. And if they didn’t like something, all they had to do was get their parents to the school and they could yell and cuss at the teachers all they want. The goal this year was change. New staff, new administration, new school.

We started our year strong, with the students learning the hard way that their actions had consequences. But then something happened. Administrators were told to “stop criminalizing black youth” (80% of the district populous). Stop feeding the school to prison pipeline. Translation: no more suspensions.

Kids aren’t stupid, they saw the changes. And they ran with it!

Once the consequences – the meaningful ones, anyway – were removed, the staff as a whole started to lose our love of teaching, because we now spend our time fielding the worst behavior and attitudes imaginable. And reporting these behaviors was far too often met with a dismissive look or wave of the hand, because they had ‘bigger fish to fry’.

There is a video making the rounds online right now of a man reading reasons students received detention in some random school district. The reasons he reads are hilarious. To most they’re hilarious because you wonder how kids come up with the things they do. For me, it was hilarious because I deal with far worse on a daily basis and see zero consequence or change.

This year alone, I have seen and heard more than most of you can even imagine. Students threatening teachers with PHYSICAL VIOLENCE, actually being physically violent toward students AND teachers, weapons brought to school, marijuana in the bathroom (elementary school), more fist fights than I ever thought I’d see in my life, guns and ammunition in student backpacks, students walking/running out of class, slamming the doors behind them, cussing out students and teachers alike, and much, much more.

Not one of these students has been expelled. Only a couple of them had any kind of suspension (and never long enough to actually have an impact on the student or their family). Now, one of the students is no longer in my building, but I’ve heard they were just moved to another school. Some of these things certainly appear to be against the safe schools act, so why isn’t there more action?

The school to prison pipeline.

Too many districts are obsessed with this. And yes, it exists. There are schools that are far too punitive with black students while giving a slap on the wrist of a white student. I don’t deny that. It’s so real it hurts. We are the opposite. We allow them to get away with so much it’s scary.

So how does one solve this issue? A clear, concise, parent-signed, disciplinary policy. For every possible behavior you can imagine, there needs to be a consequence. For the ones you cannot imagine, they get placed into the most appropriate category and instantly added to the policy for future reference. Offense 1: consequence 1. Offense 2: consequence 2. And so on and son on until you reach expulsion. I mean it. For EVERY offense. If your kid can’t wrap their mind around that fact that cussing out a teacher is not ok, then if they do it enough they get suspended or even expelled.

What does that teach kids? That their actions carry consequences. That in the real world, you do not get to threaten and hurt people and get away with it. Students need to be learning for their future. And what I see when we do not provide consequences for actions is that we are preparing them for a future life in prison, because no one ever helped them realize that their actions carry very real consequences in life.

Now, unfortunately, I haven’t even begun to wind down, because there are two pieces of this downfall, remember? So next up, positive reinforcement.

This is a system that can be extremely effective when used properly. It can also be abused so heavily that kids only learn manipulation, not appropriate behaviors.

Positive reinforcement is great if you’re wanting to reward someone for going above and beyond the typical expectation. In the real world, adults are rewarded for the same thing. We get recognition for developing a new system of analyzing data or increasing productivity. We get compensation for creating an innovative and more efficient way of completing a necessary task. Kids should experience this too.

The trouble comes when we reward EVERYTHING. And when the rewards have no connection with the action. My personal favorite is candy. Just sugar em up for any old reason!

I’ve watched students blatantly disregard instructions from staff members, even cuss at them, and then they are handed a piece of candy on their way out the door at the end of the day. I’ve been asked point blank how one of my students has done in their day. When I responded with, “not too great”, that student was handed candy! I’ve seen students threaten several teachers, then get candy from the person who “always has candy”. I’ve seen students run up to the candy person saying “I had a good day!” and get candy without ANY kind of verification from an adult. I’ve been able to flat out contradict these proclamations on many occasions, but once they promise to have a good day tomorrow, here comes the sugar!

You cannot. Let me say this again: you CANNOT reward kids for nothing. It teaches them that they will get rewarded for next to nothing. And then, when the reward disappears, they will rebel. I once heard about a gentleman who was so frustrated by kids waling through his lawn that he used the reverse of this to end his problem. He paid the kids to walk on his lawn. They were already doing it, so they got something for nothing. Eventually, he quit paying them. They were so mad the money had stopped, they refused to walk on his lawn anymore. Brilliant man, but he was still out all that money because kids no longer care about doing what is right for the sake of doing what is right. They only want to do what is easy for them or what they are rewarded for.

In the real world, no one is going to pat you on the back for punching your time card. No one will sing your praises for turning in a required report. NO ONE will throw you a party for doing the bare minimum of your job requirements. We have to stop teaching children that expectation. If we don’t, they will all enter the real world thinking they can do whatever they want. They will never be able to hold down a job because no one will put up with their lazy and entitled behavior. If you have a child who comes home from school mad because they had their recess taken away, you better not say a word that suggests it shouldn’t have been done. Ask them why it happened. If they did something wrong, reinforce with them that they better do what they are supposed to do next time around. If they don’t get the picture, make sure they have consequences at home as well. Children must learn, and learn young, that if they are not doing what is expected, there are consequences, and those consequences grow with repeated offenses.

In the real world, being late to work once is often a verbal warning. A second offense is a write-up. Third offense is write up AND sit down conference with the boss. Late to work four times in a given time period and you stand to lose your job. Often times the reasons for your tardiness do not matter to your employer. They only care about having prompt and professional employees.

Now, if your child comes home and tells you about a consequence they endured that you truly believe to be unjust or too harsh given the action, you should absolutely advocate for your child…PRIVATELY.  Don’t tell your kid you’re gonna go to the school and “show them a thing or two”, “tell them what’s what”, or even “handle it”.  That only tells your child that they don’t have to suffer the consequences of their own actions AND that mommy and daddy will fix all their problems for them.

LIFE JUST ISN’T THAT WAY.

Tell them to shape up or expect the same consequence or worse next time. But honestly, go to the school. Ask to speak to administration if you truly believe something unjust has occurred. Sit down and have a CALM discussion about what you child has told you and ask how the consequence aligns with district policy. Nine times out of ten I would wager that you child left something out. Something big. Something they were hoping you wouldn’t find out. On the off chance that something really did go wrong, you can work with the school to remedy the issue while maintaining with you child the need for respecting authority figures.

Now, many districts require that teachers or administrators contact parents for all behavioral infractions. But to be honest, if you’re the kind of parents who seems to not care, not support the staff, or constantly get pissed off about being called on your kid’s behavior, you’re probably gonna get fewer and fewer calls. They may even intentionally call you when they know you can’t answer so they can just leave a message and document that an attempt at contact was made. Make no mistake, schools pick up on ALL of that. If all you do is complain about the phone calls and tell the teacher she “clearly doesn’t know how to do her own job”, I invite YOU to look at your parenting. What level of respect are you teaching your watching child? Because believe me, they are watching and listening. They are learning how to treat others…from you.

So, schools need to have a cut and dry policy for behaviors and their consequences. Parents should be made aware of these policies right off the bat, parents should only let their children see their complete and total support of these policies, and we should all stop rewarding momentary decency. By all means reward someone for going above and beyond, but there should be no reward for simply doing what is expected.

Kids can handle this. They could handle more. Kids in Japan make their own meals and clean up their own schools, toilets and all. We just keep lowering expectations and wondering why we have ignorant entitled youth as a result. You don’t have to look far to find the answers.

A Day in the Life of a Teacher

Today is Halloween. And it’s Monday. This guarantees a horrible week for teachers. Fall parties on Monday followed by a week or more of over sugared munchkins forever re-living their tales of killer clowns and comparing loot. 

It’s a real thing. Trust. 

For me, I had my own extra spices thrown in. 

To start, I had a new student start today. Today. If all days. And lucky me he’s in special ed and a huge behavior kiddo. Joy. Next, one of my students came in three hours late telling me she was late because she was throwing up with diarrhea all morning. When I walked her to the nurse myself I was told that dad’s boss threatened to fire him if he didn’t show today. He’s a single dad with two kids. Poor guy tries so hard. Some bosses just don’t get it. So I got to take her to class with me with the knowledge that she had extra underwear in case she “couldn’t make it in time”.

F my life. Right to hell. 

I also have a student who is in the foster system and has MASSIVE amounts of trauma in the past. Lots of medication and a recent hospitalization to go along with termination of biological parental rights and an investigation at the original foster home has left this student in a temporary care home and on new meds. Makes the student go between zombie and energizer bunny quickly and without notice. Not fun. 

Finally, I have a parent who has been served with orders to not set foot on school property. This happened after she threatened violence against several staff members AND young student and assaulted a police officer. Over a hoodie. 

Well, she decided that we can all rot in hell. She DRASTICALLY changed her appearance and snuck into the school and marched her snug ass into MY classroom while I was trying to teach to drop off the food she was instructed to send with her son and THEN began walking around the room and talking to all the students she knew from football with her son. I literally just had to stand there until she got the hint to leave. She also had the nerve to tell me she’d be back for the party. I wasn’t about to start a fight with her cuz I had shit to teach. So I called the office a little bit before the party and informed them of the little intrusion. 

Whether or not she returned to the building I have no idea. But she never did make it to the party. Threatening student is NOT a little thing. You don’t get to come back after that. 

Now, for those of you who think teaching is easy, or that the “minor” inconvenience you’re sending with your child is just something the teacher should take in stride and deal with…..

Please remember that a day like this doesn’t just happen on holidays. This is my life. Every. Single. Day. And I haven’t even mentioned my sped students, ELL students, or those who are reading two or more years below grade level (yes, plural on all). Stop adding to the burden I have to bear because you can’t or won’t or don’t want to take care of your responsibilities or act like an adult. I’m trying my hardest to make sure your kid can survive in the next grade level. That will never happen if all I do is clean up after you and the chaos you force your kid to swallow and deal with. 

The Harm You’re Gifting

I was raised in the church. A Methodist, to be specific. I learned a lot of good life lessons there. I will not deny that. Although some of those life lessons included some that showed me that Christians can be some of the most cruel and unforgiving people out there. I’m not lumping them all together. But there will always be at least a few in every church. And one rotten potato can ruin the whole soup. 

I left the church when I was 18. 

While I’ve never run around screaming my religious affiliations (or lack thereof) to everyone around me, it’s not a secret. I haven’t set foot inside a church for anything other than a wedding or funeral in more than a decade. I never try to push my affiliations on others and I would truly appreciate the same respect. However, I’ve noticed that people who attend church have an extremely difficult time doing this. After more than ten years, I still can’t figure out why. 

I have a son now. He is the light of my life and I have high hopes for him. I plan on teaching him everything that’s important to me, not the least of which is how to be a good person and treat others with respect, even if they maybe don’t always deserve it. 

The one group of people one would think they could count on for respect would be family. Maybe in some families that’s the case. But it just isn’t so with my family. 

For Christmas this last year, my son and I  received many gifts. We were thankful for each and every one. But I can’t help but wonder at the intent behind some of them. The less offensive one came in the form of a necklace for me from my aunt. She’s part of one of those DIY business selling jewelry. I’m sure she got perks for buying all this stuff from herself, but could she really not think of anything better for her niece who’s allergic to metal?? Again, not a secret. I haven’t worn jewelry since I was a little kid, thinking the constant rashes, infections, and pain were my own fault (at least that’s what I was led to believe). 

But the worst was given to my son. It was a book. Simple enough, right? I read like crazy and want my son to love reading to. But THIS book was a Veggie Tales book. It even has a button you can push to hear a song about thanking God for the day. UGH!

Now, each and every Christian out there read that and thought, “your family just wants what’s best for you and your son”, right? Well, then have enough respect and courtesy to understand that what’s best for you and yours may not be the best for someone else. You have the right to raise your children in any environment and religion you choose. I have the exact same right. It’s part of what makes our country great. So don’t force your religion on my child. I’m the one raising him, not you. 

Still don’t understand how I feel?

What if I gave your kid a book about atheism? Buddhism? Paganism??? Complete with a song making it sound like so much fun??

You’d be offended, wouldn’t you? No need to admit it to me. But you need to admit it to yourself. I may have had the best of intentions, exposing your child to what I believe is the one and true path in life. 

That still doesn’t make it ok. 

If we really act with the best of intentions, we will avoid topics of this nature when presenting gifts to the children of others. And we would also educate ourselves on what the beliefs are of someone close to us. Because seriously, if my cousin’s daughters came to me with a question about Jesus, I would give them an answer based on what I know their parents believe. Why? Because I’m not the one raising them. If they asked me for my opinion about something religious, I would distract them from the question or give an appropriately vague answer. Why? Because it’s not my job to guide them spiritually. I’ll leave it to their parents even if I disagree with their teachings. They aren’t my kids to guide. If they asked me about a moral topic, I’d have no trouble giving an honest answer because we should all have a moral compass facing due north. 

So before you buy that religious book for your niece or a shirt with a cross for your nephew, ask yourself if you really know where they stand with religion. If you aren’t 100% certain, get a different gift.

Your good intentions are actually rude, and an underhanded way of saying you think that child’s parents are unfit. Whether or not you intend it that way, it’s what you’re saying. 

So please, get off your high cross and respect the person to whom you’re gifting. If you can’t, then just don’t get anything. It’s better than insulting them. 

Handling New Parenthood

Being a new parent is hard. No, it’s probably the hardest thing you e had to do up to this point. I want you to remember that, because there are a lot of things about that screaming pooping bundle of frustration you aren’t always considering. 

That tummy ache is the WORST tummy ache he’s EVERY had. 

That constipation driven diaper is the WORST case he’s ever had and pushing it out took EVERY bit of strength he had to accomplish it. 

You didn’t notice, but that onesie tag got bent into his neck six hours ago and has been silently scraping away at his tender flesh all day. He just can’t take it anymore. 

The very first diaper he wore this morning? Well, it got bunched up and pinched his chunky little thigh just enough to make it hurt. Now every subsequent diaper is rubbing on the soreness. 
EVERY pain your baby experience is the worst, hardest, most painful thing they’ve ever had to deal with. And on top of it all, the only thing they can do about it is cry and hope that mommy or daddy can find and fix the problem. 

You’re exhausted. You’re frustrated. You may have even had thoughts of harming your baby (if you’ve ever actually considered acting on these harmful thoughts, seek help immediately, even if it means calling 911). But please try to keep in mind that your baby is having all those same emotions. The difference? We have coping mechanisms. Babies have to learn them. 

So what do I do when it’s midnight and he hasn’t slept since six and I have to be up in four hours to go to work and there’s no end in sight?? 

I cope. In any way I can. I talk to him through his toy animals. I give him a hundred kisses while begging him to sleep. I tell him knock knock jokes. I sing stupid made up songs. But above all, I force myself to you a quiet and calm voice. There have been days when I can’t do this. In those times I gently stroke his cheek, hold him close, and gently sigh each time I exhale. 

Please don’t be mad at your baby. He will absolutely absorb those negative emotions and throw them back at you. No one would sleep well in that emotional storm. 

And ask for help. There is nothing new under the sun. You are not the first one to feel the way you do. There is help out there. 

The Theft You Didn’t Think About

There are moments in every person’s life that stand out among the rest. Some are good, some are bad, and some are just extremely impactful. Today I want to talk about the last one.

Now, like every parent on the planet, there are things my parents did wrong, messed up, or should have handled differently. Despite this, I turned out alright. And despite this, there were SO many things they did that taught me clear and concise life lessons that have stayed with me all my life.

One of the biggest, is consideration for others.

I don’t remember how old I was. I don’t remember the season outside. I do remember being with my mom in the grocery store. And like any little kid being dragged along in the store, I was bored. We weren’t in an aisle where I could look at the exciting products I wanted to try and get my mom to buy. We were just in a normal aisle.

To kill time, I found myself putting my hand against the boxes and pushing them back until they hit the back of the shelf. I found it amusing that each item could be pushed a different length before hitting a barrier. Several times I pushed the products back. Then my mother saw me.

That’s when I heard it: the dreaded middle name. I was grabbed roughly (but not enough to actually hurt) by the arm and swung around within inches of my mothers face. She demanded to know what I was doing and who was going to fix it. Being a kid, I was scared and confused by her questions. Fix what? I didn’t break anything. I didn’t even open a box.

That was when she pointed out to me that every time we come to the store, every product is sitting right at the front so we can see, read, and grab it quickly and get on our way. She made me realize that SOMEONE had to actually make that happen. Those bags and boxes don’t just jump to the front of the shelf of their own accord. And no one asks us to straighten up as we shop.

That day I got to straighten every one of those items while my mom stood by with her arms crossed, pointing out that because I was too busy thinking only of myself, we might now be late to our next destination. And what if that next place had been the park or a birthday party? I’d been wasting someone else’s time.

I’ve remembered that my entire life. Never again did I do anything to make someone’s job more difficult. I refold clothes in the store. I put them back on their hangers. I make sure that any product I decide against buying either goes back in it’s proper place or at least into the hands of an associate who will be able to replace it properly. It takes almost no time at all, and it helps keep the world functioning smoothly.

When I encounter young people who have never learned this, it’s hard to be mad. They simply have never been given the right perspective. However, when parents are directly involved, that’s infuriating.

I encountered two such young people one night in the store where I work. They were having a lot of fun unwrapping and playing with products. I watched for a few seconds, hoping that a parent would appear and make them stop. When that didn’t happen, I emerged from my location to get the products back from them. Both children ran away the second they saw me (showing they knew they were doing wrong). I followed and found one, running around like a crazy person. I brought him back to where he had been standing, and calmly told him that he could not play with the products and could not unwrap them. I told him I needed the products and their tags back. At this point, he lied to my face saying they were like that when he found them and that his sister had pulled something off. When I told him I had watched them both unwrap stuff, he lied yet again. I then asked where his parent was with the intention of taking them to said parent and asking that they not be left unsupervised. To my surprise, a woman was crouched in the aisle not five feet behind these kids the whole time and had the audacity to yell at ME. She demanded to know what my problem was. I told AND showed her the problem. She simply told me she would handle it from there. Being powerless, I had to walk away.

Thankfully, she kept her kids close. However, she did try to pass no less than $50 worth of expired, fraudulent, and unacceptable coupons.

Sadly, that made it abundantly clear how her children learned to be such selfish little creatures.

So please, teach your children the importance of thinking before they act, and the consequences of those actions. I ended up finding $40 worth of product that these children had destroyed and strewn all over the store in an effort to hide the evidence. Between the kids and their mother, that’s $90 from ONE shopper. Now multiply that by every inattentive parent out there. It adds up fast. That’s not money taken from the man or from corporate America. That’s money that can no longer pay the electric bills, the salaries, and the retirement of the people you so easily dismiss as unimportant little specks.

Please think about that the next time you want to just take that small product or let your kids destroy product or, God forbid, you try to pass fraudulent coupons or go to the swap meet (the headquarters of coupon fraud experts). Think about what your actions saying to others. Please.

This just makes me mad

I am starting off by saying a may offend a few people with this post. If you’re offended, stop reading it. I’m not twisting your arm to stick around.

What this post really comes down to is food, but I’m connecting it to school.

In one of the two elementary buildings I work in, I was informed a few weeks ago about a third grader who has already started her period. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I started in 6th grade, as did most of my friends. Some started later, but 5th and 6th grade was when it happened for my generation. So 3rd grade!?!? EGAD!! But that’s not all…

Today I was invited into a conversation with a small group of teachers who frequently encounter a different little girl. Apparently she has had several tests and her mother has been told she will have her first period ANY DAY. Here’s the crazy part; she’s 7. She’s in FIRST GRADE!!! And do you think the mother had talked to this little girl about what’s going to be happening to her body?? Nope!! So today she ran to her teacher in panic saying her “juices” were coming out. She has no idea what’s happening to her body. Oh, and she’s also experiencing cramps, but she’s not intellectually able to define or understand these occurrences.

Now, I know there are a ton of little girls across the country starting their period much earlier than in the past. The thing that gets me is parents continue to ignore the reason for all of this.

Let’s get real simple here. What causes a period to start? Hormones! What causes menstrual  symptoms, complications and onset? HORMONES! What do food producers constantly fill our food with?!?!?! Let me hear it! HORMONES!!!!!!

Now, I’m not saying you’re a bad parent if you take your kid to McDonald’s now and then, or anywhere else for that matter. However, I AM saying you’re a bad parent if fast food is a staple in your child’s diet. I know there are many other sources, but seriously, if you’re gonna take your kid to a fast food joint every day or even every other day, you might as well let them drink pure gasoline. It’ll have equally tragic consequences.

I am far from a health nut. I eat fast food sometimes. I drink alcohol. I put things in my body that I could easily so without. The trick is that I do all of this in moderation. I tell myself no. When I have kids, they’ll hear “no” frequently. It’s part of being a responsible adult and parent.

Oh, and just a little food for thought: early onset puberty is linked to early onset uterine, ovarian and breast cancer in girls. So stop feeding your children poison all the time and give their bodies a chance to thrive!!

Also, please use turn signals on the road.

Excuses are like…..

I have a job in which I sometimes have to deliver less than desirable information to parents. Every now and then a parent is truly flabbergasted by information I give them, Unfortunately, most of the information I have to give parents (in the beginning) is all negative. Failing in a certain academic area, unable to communicate, violent as hell. I could pretty much guarantee I’m not the first person to say something to the parent (mostly because it’s illegal to test a kid without parental consent), but that doesn’t stop parents from crying, yelling, feeling guilty and being generally upset with the special education process.

I get it. I get it all. I can’t imagine how torn up I’d be in I had a kid not able to learn the way everyone else does. I would never want hardship for my kids. HOWEVER, trying to avoid the situation doesn’t do anyone any good.

In my career I have had my fair share of parents making up bogus excuses to not show up…for anything…ever. So you all know; that’s a red flag to an educator. It wouldn’t take much more to report you to social services for suspicion of…well…the options there are endless. Avoiding the school is a great way to get more attention than you want.

So when meetings come up – heck, even conferences – it’s kind of important to communicate with the school. So let’s just say your child has been referred for evaluation. Fine. We want to meet with you. Okay. You don’t want to come and listen to all the negative things? Awesome. TELL THE SCHOOL! You can absolutely ask us to hold a meeting without you there for ANY reason. And guess what?¿ No testing can be completed and no changes in academic coursework can be made without written consent from a parent.

I have had parents who just didn’t want to know everything that was wrong with their kid and just wanted us to send what needed to be signed. By law, I have to provide copies of all paperwork, but no one is twisting the parent’s arm to read it. I have also had parents who “knew” they were responsible for at least part of their kids problems and were embarrassed. We get that. We don’t blame you. We can’t. We can’t possibly know what happened when you were pregnant and in today’s world there are a million things that can affect your child without you willingly causing it.

So why, OH WHY, do I get parents who make up the most transparent excuses to not come meet about their kid? If you mysteriously get a migraine EVERY time there’s a meeting at school but are miraculously healed by the time you need to pick them up, that’s fishy. If you get injured in the same way every time…fishy.

I personally could not care less why you don’t want to be at those meetings. Just call me and say “hey, I don’t really want to sit in at that meeting. Can you hold it without me?” Sure can! I’ll send you the paperwork in the mail. Have a nice day!

I still can’t do anything without your consent, but you sure as heck don’t need to sit in a conference room and listen to us detail all the struggles your kid is having. Thanks for trusting us enough to make some necessary decisions in regards to your child’s education.

Sorry, but I HAD to get that off my chest.

 

End rant.

Thanks Mom and Dad

Well, it has been quite the month! The biggest development has been the killer snowstorm we received and the second one on the way!

When I hear about impending snow, the only worry that crosses my mind if whether or not school will be cancelled and whether or not I can safely get there if we’re in session. Thankfully I didn’t need to worry about it with the last storm; the snowfall totals were so solid and scary that every district in the area cancelled before it even hit. This next one is more worrisome. I’m sitting here at home, ready an hour and a half before I need to leave, knowing that really it could start at any time, but school will be in session.

That’s not what I’m here to write about though.

I’m  writing to give a big shout out to my parents (who will likely never read this as it’s anonymous). My parents, as all parents, made mistakes in raising me, but they sure did a lot of things right along the way.

My parents never left me without. I always had food to eat, a bed to sleep in, water to drink, a car to drive when I was old enough and even fun little treats in various forms. But that’s not all I had. Oh, no. I got so much more. I didn’t just have food to eat; I was taught how to make my own food, feed myself, and how to be creative when there isn’t much to go off of. I didn’t just have a bed; I had the knowledge of how to strip the bed, wash the sheets and make the bed with the sheets made for the season. I didn’t just have a car; I knew how check my oil and other fluids, control the car when it’s seemingly out of control and how to handle being stranded until help arrives.

A big one that I rarely thought about was that on snow days, I got to play in the snow. But it was so much more than that. I was taught how to deal with snow in all facets. I can shovel a sidewalk or driveway, I can break up packed down snow and ice, I canfind the path of least resistance AND I can get a car from stuck to moving pretty dang quick. During this most recent storm I watched out my window as people struggled to get their cars out, desperate to get wherever they felt they needed to go. I wouldn’t’ve been caught out in it for anything, but I don’t know those people. They could be doctors, nurses, EMTs, community center workers, I have no clue. And that was the whole point. So many people couldn’t get their cars out on their own. One thing I learned: tires are not always enough on slick roads, but a push or even just good rocking can get you out of a fix.

Well, I had no where to go and some great snow gear, so I suited up and headed out to help those who needed to get somewhere. Shovel in hand I walked up and down my block. That was as far as I need go because every time I turned around there was someone else in need. I honestly don’t know how many people I helped. It doesn’t matter. The cool part about it was the karma I received a couple days later. I took my shovel out to dig out my own car. I didn’t need to go anywhere just yet, but I didn’t want to spend my time digging when I could be half way to work. The kindness of those around me in getting the 12 inches of snow off my car and getting my tire tracks cleared was awesome. No one even cared that I wasn’t driving out of the lot just yet. It was just out of kindness.

Then yesterday, I was having my morning coffee and heard the tell tale screaming of tires on slick ground. I saw two ladies out my window trying to escape the lot. After 15 minutes, it was clear they really had no idea what they were doing and they had no supplies to help them. They would spin their tires, get out, and look at the car before trying again. I dressed, grabbed my shovel and headed out. I was surprised by the faces that met me. They were skeptical of me from the off. I tried to explain that I had just been trying to offer a helping hand to others throughout the storm, but they were still wary of me (and I sincerely hope that the color of my skin had nothing to do with it, but there was this constant feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me it was all about color. First time in my life I’ve ever felt like that). The driver refused to let me push and her friend apparently had a bad back. I did everything I could to help without giving orders or judging. I wasn’t about to make the situation worse. Finally, after several minutes, the friend turned to me and said, “You’re really just here to help, aren’t you?” Broke my heart. Had these ladies really never had a stranger offer to help them? Were they wary because of the location? Did they think I would feign and injury and sue? Lord only knows. But after I confirmed her revelation, she then said, “We really do have to push her out, don’t we?” “Yep.” “C’mon, let’s go.”

The two of us stepped up in front of the car and pushed. Unfortunately the car was already pretty stuck. I used my shovel to clear a path and when asked what to do, I told her to pull all the way up into the tracks, then go back. We pushed and pushed and she gunned it on the gas. Out she came!

Those women truly were clueless on how to handle that weather. It doesn’t mean a ding dong thing really. Just that they were never taught. The reason why could be one of hundreds of possible reasons, and none of which would be a bad thing. It would only be a difference in experience.

I could get them out. This little girl knew what needed to be done to get them out. I knew because I had parents who did more than have me shovel the driveway. They did more than help me get my car out. They taught me how to do it. When I was young, small and weak, they did the muscle work for me, but they always showed me how to do it. They talked me through it. They would even let me try.

Snow is only one small example of how my parents raised me to never be left wanting, but also to never be left helpless. Sure there are things I can’t do completely on my own – I’m not super-human – but I sure know how to handle hundreds of different scenarios safely and swiftly.

So thanks, mom and dad, you taught me well.